MEMORIES OF PRESIDENT COL BRANDON AND HIS JOKES.





I thought I might look through some old Puntimals I have here and pick out some of Col's Jokes, print a few of them up and then ask the ex members of the Club, if they have any clean jokes to send them in, I think its best to have word only jokes, I am pretty sure Frank told me it's a lot of mucking around to insert pictures and words on to the site.

NOT A LOT OF MUCKING AROUND BUT A LOT OF PICS TAKES UP A LOT MORE SPACE THAN TEXT AND MAKES THE SITE SLOWER (FB)

Hopefully, we will get a laugh out of some of the jokes that come in. I will see if Frank will take on the task of censoring of any stories we get in.

If you have any jokes to add, just send me an email to joebass@iinet.net.au and we will add to site.

Some of Col's Jokes.



"My wife" said Sam "Talks to herself."
"So does mine" Said Brian "but she doesn't know it - she thinks I listen".

Lucy. What did your boss say when you asked him for a raise?
Jane. He said he never makes advances to his secretary.

Joe to Bill "How come you were born in Brisbane?"
Bill "I wanted to be near my mother".

Did you hear about the champion Red Indian tea drinker who drank 10 gallons of tea?
That night he drowned in his "Teepee".

Then there was the angel that changed her harp for an upright organ.


I will kick it off with an old one.


Joe Williams

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes,
when a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this mate, I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Joe Williams


THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth.'

'Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth.'

'Can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth.'

'Can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf.'

'Can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'.

Bob McCormick


THE SQUASH PLAYER

Bob McCormick sat down at the bar of the Clarence Corner Pub and ordered a Pot.

He was meeting Peters Creevey, Land, Skelly, Morris and Kev Mahoney.

As he sat drinking his pot , a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to Bob and asked, 'Are you a real Squash Player?

Bob replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life training and practicing for squash, hitting drop shots and high lobs, calling short games, so I guess I am a Real Squash Player'.

The Young woman said, 'Well, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women'.

The two sat drinking in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of Bob and asked, 'Are you a real Squash Player'?

Bob replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Peter Creevey


A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"..

Peter Morris


THE POETRY COMPETITION

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists a University Graduate and Peter 'Banjo' Land from Highgate Hill.

They were given a word then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the University Graduate.

He stepped up to the microphone and said.

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could Banjo Land could top that they thought.

Landie calmly made his way to the microphone and recited.

I and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.


Banjo Land was declared the winner.

JOE WILLIAMS