THE DRUNKS' TEAM

(BY KEV MAHONEY)



I am somewhat surprised to find that tens of thousands of words have been written about Boomerang, yet no one has written about the great boomerang icon - the drunks' team. In a club renowned far and wide as a "mob of drunks", they had to be something special- legends among legends as it were. The core of the team was Peter Prickett, Bob McCormick, Ian Purdy, Mike Sheils, Bernie McKenna and Bob Turner, but many others including Terry Lynch, Russ McConnell, John O'Sullivan, Horace Morris and myself had a season or two in the ranks (don't know how I got there).

During one of our recent sessions at the Chalk, I asked the boys to recount some of the stories of those days. I sat with pen poised, expecting an avalanche, but nothing was forthcoming. Everyone claimed the period was just one big blur. Bob said that he was onto Ginko tablets to help overcome his memory loss. "Are they any good?" I asked. "I don’t know. I keep forgetting to take them." was the reply.

Horace could recall that his chief duty was that of racquet retriever. When inebriated (which was most of the time) Peter Prickett was partial to gathering up players' racquets which were not secured in bags and hurling them onto the roof of the courts. Horace was the only one nimble enough to climb onto the roof, which he would do using a ladder borrowed from the Coronation hotel. He swears that on one occasion he retrieved several dozen racquets in various states of decline.

My own stint with the team came in my second season of squash. At that stage, the drunks were C4. Having had one season in E grade, I thought C graders were gods. This was where you really got serious. I think I even addressed my fellow team mates as "mister". Anyway our team captain, Mister McCormick, told me to meet him at the Normanby hotel prior to our first fixture which was being played somewhere in the vicinity. "What time-about a quarter to eight?" I said. "No-about a quarter to 6." came the reply. Thinking these top players must have a warm up hit first, I duly arrived and spent the next half hour pacing up and down the footpath waiting. Eventually I glanced INSIDE the pub where the gods were indulging in a glass or three of nectar. Mister McCormick then told me that I had been dropped and had been assigned the duty of scoring all matches.

From the umpire's chair I watched the ignominious spectacle of Mister Sheils, Mister Turner, Mister Purdy and Mister McCormick totter across from the Normanby, play a series of air swings and mishits while being flogged by as close to 29 blot as makes no difference. I remember Mister McCormick running into his opponent's racquet or the wall or probably both and smashing his glasses. The court was swept and Mister McCormick resumed playing, minus glasses, without any discernible change in the standard of his play.

I think I played in every match for the rest of the season.

Another of my memories is of Mister Turner playing a match with more air swings than hits. After being walloped, he went outside and proceeded to lodge a complaint with the court owner about the poor quality of the lights. Quite a heated exchange ensued and Mister Turner was starting to shape up for a fight (which doubtless would have gone the same way as his squash match) when a sheepish boiler dragged him away.

Finally, here is some of the jargon that it was essential to understand as a Drunks' team member.

ROAD RUNNER. Any opponent who regularly took a few steps in the general direction of the ball. Such players were a despised species as they were considered to be using unfair tactics.

DROP SHOT. Any shot from an opponent which bounced twice before reaching the T. Roadrunners who played drop shots were animals lower than snakes.

AN N STUBBY DRIVE. The distance from boomerang to a court was measured in terms of the number of stubbies which one was expected to consume on the drive. Places like Woodridge were considered 3 or 4 stubby drives.

HARRY HOPMANS. These were non playing coaches and, in my time, were usually Head Prickett and Unbeato McKenna. These were much coveted positions as one did not have to interrupt drinking to play a match.

PRACTICE . Not in the vocabulary.

Well, I hope this will bring back a few memories and maybe encourage some more people to put down their recollections.